A Helpless Heart..

People sometimes ask me why I chose Medicine..

I could say something noble.. I could tell you I like to help sick people get better

Or that seeing that unearthly gratitude in a parents eyes when because of me their child's safe..

None of these answers would be a lie.. I do care about all these things.. they are my motivations

But it's not the first reason that comes to mind.. the first reason started with a boy along time ago who died and there wasn't anything I could do..

I felt so helpless.. Everyone was busy telling me it wasn't my fault.. Telling me there was nothing I could have done.. That I couldn't have known.. but is that honestly the truth? I couldn't have done anything? well maybe not.. I was in elementary.. maybe I was helpless.. but all I knew was I never wanted to feel like that again

So medicine it is .. it was until I got sick myself

I was scared but I knew there were cures and I had hope

I was young and knew death was possible but.. it didn't sink in I always thought..no..at that time I thought I knew I could get through, so I told the only man I trusted.. the only human being I trust completely ..
My Dad..

Sometimes My Daddy cries.. and I pretend not to notice but this time there was no denying why he covered his face with his hands..why his shoulders shook..why he made that odd sorrowful sound or why he for the first time ran away from..Me

Then I met the love of my life.. I'm not even really sure how it happened but I knew the second I saw him I needed find out who this man..really was and I found someone who I could be content with for the rest of my life.. he was a little cold at first..sometimes he pushed me away..but he was a Prince a King and as close to perfect that any being I met thus far had been

Now again.. I stand knees quaking.. every breath sharp and painful.. a dull pain in the back of my head matching the one in my lower back.. my heart aching.. mind aching.. and for the first time.. soul fading

For the first time I lose faith in myself and lose what he calls hope and I call pretending

And I broke up with him.. because I dn't think I'll be strong enough to say goodbye if hes there eyes pleading me not go.. I can't even look at him because I'm scared his eyes will make the truth sink in and make it impossible for me to leave..

I tell you so I can explain my mindset.. I've never feared death nor do I today.. maybe thats my problem

but anyway I was saying I explained what sort of thoughts are going through my head so that you understand
why I'm about to post this song..

"When your happy you enjoy the music..When your down you understand the lyrics"

Beyonce - Broken Hearted Girl

Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper

I've been with a king..